Guess 'tis a lil late in the season of open letters with the season of mind-numbingly-trollish-replies-to-boorish-letters-by-frustrated-madrasans having come and gone by already! Nevertheless, here's my humble attempt at trying to (unsuccessfully) jump onto the bandwagon and I sincerely hope to garner as much, if not more, publicity as was garnered by people ranting about Dilliwalas (if the juggernaut of replies to the post could be used as a yardstick. Special note for Saddi DIlli de Munde - a yardstick is NOT a stick of any sort to be used for playing Dandiya with the oily pigtails of aforementioned Madrasans!)
Anyhoo, digressing back - a recent survey conducted by the WEB (Welfare of Eunuchs Board) among eunuchs of all age groups across India (and not just in Delhi or Chennai) regarding 'the most desirable contemporary Indian actor (male)' didn't throw up many surprises. And the winner was...NO it was NOT Ranbir Kapoor!! (sorry girls - although he did come a distant second if that's a consolation). Well, without further ado, let me announce the winner - and it was none other than our very own Mr. Abhishek Bachchan!!
OK - so AB Jr. being desired by the third sex is totally understandable. But what does Aishwariya Rai, who is by far one of India's most beautiful (albeit with a highly irritating preadolescent giggle) woman, see in it? (it being AB Jr. ofcourse) I guess that's a question which would boggle even Einstein's intellect (am sure he is rotating in his grave right now trying to figure this one out). I mean if I had been in Aishwariya's place, I would have rather married his father any day, even at his present age! (Dont worry Rekha - you can still keep trying...). So the question is, how do most Indian actresses, even those who are supposedly non-bimbo enough to win the Ms. World crown, end up marrying, or atleast getting involved with, dorks?
What is so wrong with marrying a normal guy? Who is not associated with the film industry? Or doesn't have truckloads of cash to dump on you for you to indulge in your shopping urges?! Haven't you already earned enough dancing around trees to survive on for the rest of your life? And what is this fixation with getting married to other actors? Its not like acting runs in your genes and if you marry a mere mortal your offspring may not possess the required talent to make it large in the industry! Nor is it guaranteed that if you DO marry a fellow actor, your kids would grow up to be the next Amitabh Bachchan! (examples, to quote a few - AB Jr, Shweta Nanda, Eesha Deol (or however she writes her name now), Ranbir Kapoor etc etc).
And since I didn’t want to put in the efforts to write individual letters to the actresses, I have taken the liberty to address a few of them directly here itself, with a listing of their ‘better’ halves as well.
a) Aishwariya Rai: ended up with M/s. Abhishek Bachchan - Enough has been said about this couple already. Although I still sometimes wonder how they managed to conceive...
b) Hema Malini: She could have had anyone she wanted. Right from Mr. James Bond to Mr. Gabbar is Sholay! But whom does she end up with? Mr. Dhar-men-darrrrrrrrrrrr from Haryana!! Who is already married to a Haryanvi. And has two snotty nosed Haryanvi kids!! Why! Why?? Why?! And then they end up fornicating and having 2 even uglier kids. Whom she promptly gives the same surname as that of those Haryanvi kids! To be straightforwardly sincere - they should be called Esha Malini and Aahna Malini, Ms. Basanti...
c) Sridevi: ended up with Boney Kapoor! Have you had a look at that guy?? Were you drunk when he proposed? Or were you knocked senseless by a mixture of weed + marijuana + coke + heroine + ganja? I mean you both can barely fit into the same frame unless the picture is taken from a distance of 742 meters! Not to mention - who the fuck named him Boney?!! From what angle does he appear boney? If he is boney, then I am 2 dimensional! If he is the big fat double decker cheese burger with extra cheese and mayo, then I am the toothprick that comes along with it to hold it all together! Boney my ass!
d) Saif Ali Khan: ended up with Kareena Kapoor - when you said you wanted to make it large, are you sure you meant THIS large? Go have a look at the size of KK's head in Tashan. Oh wait! you were there. And I suppose that's when it all started...But to be honest with you, I would suggest that you go and talk to AB Jr. and ask it to recommend someone from his long list of admirers (Did I hear someone say Bobby Darling?)
e) Dipika Padukone: currently with Junior Mallaya - So his dad has the money. His dad has Kingfisher Airlines - whose cabin crew is handpicked by him. His dad also owns the Force India F1 Team. And his dad also has all the booze! So logically speaking, shouldn't you be going out with his dad?
f) Madhuri Dixit: I am sure that most of you are surprised to see her name on the list. Isn't she happily married to an NRI doctor and the doting mother of two kids? Well, yes. But I suppose you all were too young (and so was I!) to remember her involvement with a certain Mr. Sanjay Dutt during her Choli-Ke-Peechey-Kya-Hai days!! And if things had continued that way, she would either have been the Munni Ben to his Munna Bhai, gyrating to Munni Badnaam Hui in C grade Tollywood flicks!! Thank God for knocking some sense into her!
g) Katrina Kaif: And Sallu Khan. God knows who managed to knock some sense into her beautiful head!!
This list is definitely not exhaustive, but just a handful of subtle cases to make my point. I would like to conclude by asking all the actresses - In all the movies in which you (try to) act, the storyline usually goes like this: Girl meets guy. Girl is from a rich family. Guy is from a poor one. Girl and guy are at loggerheads at the beginning but eventually end up falling truly, madly, deeply in love with each other. Girls parents' oppose the alliance. Girl and guy fight against all odds to prove their love. Hearts melt. And they live happily ever after...So what changes in real life? If you are planning to settle down with dyslexic douchebags with vocabularies limited to monosyllabic mumblings in the end, then I expect to see you falling in love with such guys in your films as well! Just so that we don't get our hopes too high...
