An Open Letter to Indian Heroines:

Guess 'tis a lil late in the season of open letters with the season of mind-numbingly-trollish-replies-to-boorish-letters-by-frustrated-madrasans having come and gone by already! Nevertheless, here's my humble attempt at trying to (unsuccessfully) jump onto the bandwagon and I sincerely hope to garner as much, if not more, publicity as was garnered by people ranting about Dilliwalas (if the juggernaut of replies to the post could be used as a yardstick. Special note for Saddi DIlli de Munde - a yardstick is NOT a stick of any sort to be used for playing Dandiya with the oily pigtails of aforementioned Madrasans!)

Anyhoo, digressing back - a recent survey conducted by the WEB (Welfare of Eunuchs Board) among eunuchs of all age groups across India (and not just in Delhi or Chennai) regarding 'the most desirable contemporary Indian actor (male)' didn't throw up many surprises. And the winner was...NO it was NOT Ranbir Kapoor!! (sorry girls - although he did come a distant second if that's a consolation). Well, without further ado, let me announce the winner - and it was none other than our very own Mr. Abhishek Bachchan!!

OK - so AB Jr. being desired by the third sex is totally understandable. But what does Aishwariya Rai, who is by far one of India's most beautiful (albeit with a highly irritating preadolescent giggle) woman, see in it? (it being AB Jr. ofcourse) I guess that's a question which would boggle even Einstein's intellect (am sure he is rotating in his grave right now trying to figure this one out). I mean if I had been in Aishwariya's place, I would have rather married his father any day, even at his present age! (Dont worry Rekha - you can still keep trying...). So the question is, how do most Indian actresses, even those who are supposedly non-bimbo enough to win the Ms. World crown, end up marrying, or atleast getting involved with, dorks?

What is so wrong with marrying a normal guy? Who is not associated with the film industry? Or doesn't have truckloads of cash to dump on you for you to indulge in your shopping urges?! Haven't you already earned enough dancing around trees to survive on for the rest of your life? And what is this fixation with getting married to other actors? Its not like acting runs in your genes and if you marry a mere mortal your offspring may not possess the required talent to make it large in the industry! Nor is it guaranteed that if you DO marry a fellow actor, your kids would grow up to be the next Amitabh Bachchan! (examples, to quote a few - AB Jr, Shweta Nanda, Eesha Deol (or however she writes her name now), Ranbir Kapoor etc etc).

And since I didn’t want to put in the efforts to write individual letters to the actresses, I have taken the liberty to address a few of them directly here itself, with a listing of their ‘better’ halves as well.

a) Aishwariya Rai: ended up with M/s. Abhishek Bachchan - Enough has been said about this couple already. Although I still sometimes wonder how they managed to conceive...

b) Hema Malini: She could have had anyone she wanted. Right from Mr. James Bond to Mr. Gabbar is Sholay! But whom does she end up with? Mr. Dhar-men-darrrrrrrrrrrr from Haryana!! Who is already married to a Haryanvi. And has two snotty nosed Haryanvi kids!! Why! Why?? Why?! And then they end up fornicating and having 2 even uglier kids. Whom she promptly gives the same surname as that of those Haryanvi kids! To be straightforwardly sincere - they should be called Esha Malini and Aahna Malini, Ms. Basanti...

c) Sridevi: ended up with Boney Kapoor! Have you had a look at that guy?? Were you drunk when he proposed? Or were you knocked senseless by a mixture of weed + marijuana + coke + heroine + ganja? I mean you both can barely fit into the same frame unless the picture is taken from a distance of 742 meters! Not to mention - who the fuck named him Boney?!! From what angle does he appear boney? If he is boney, then I am 2 dimensional! If he is the big fat double decker cheese burger with extra cheese and mayo, then I am the toothprick that comes along with it to hold it all together! Boney my ass!

d) Saif Ali Khan: ended up with Kareena Kapoor - when you said you wanted to make it large, are you sure you meant THIS large? Go have a look at the size of KK's head in Tashan. Oh wait! you were there. And I suppose that's when it all started...But to be honest with you, I would suggest that you go and talk to AB Jr. and ask it to recommend someone from his long list of admirers (Did I hear someone say Bobby Darling?)

e) Dipika Padukone: currently with Junior Mallaya - So his dad has the money. His dad has Kingfisher Airlines - whose cabin crew is handpicked by him. His dad also owns the Force India F1 Team. And his dad also has all the booze! So logically speaking, shouldn't you be going out with his dad?

f) Madhuri Dixit: I am sure that most of you are surprised to see her name on the list. Isn't she happily married to an NRI doctor and the doting mother of two kids? Well, yes. But I suppose you all were too young (and so was I!) to remember her involvement with a certain Mr. Sanjay Dutt during her Choli-Ke-Peechey-Kya-Hai days!! And if things had continued that way, she would either have been the Munni Ben to his Munna Bhai, gyrating to Munni Badnaam Hui in C grade Tollywood flicks!! Thank God for knocking some sense into her!

g) Katrina Kaif: And Sallu Khan. God knows who managed to knock some sense into her beautiful head!!

This list is definitely not exhaustive, but just a handful of subtle cases to make my point. I would like to conclude by asking all the actresses - In all the movies in which you (try to) act, the storyline usually goes like this: Girl meets guy. Girl is from a rich family. Guy is from a poor one. Girl and guy are at loggerheads at the beginning but eventually end up falling truly, madly, deeply in love with each other. Girls parents' oppose the alliance. Girl and guy fight against all odds to prove their love. Hearts melt. And they live happily ever after...So what changes in real life? If you are planning to settle down with dyslexic douchebags with vocabularies limited to monosyllabic mumblings in the end, then I expect to see you falling in love with such guys in your films as well! Just so that we don't get our hopes too high...

10, Downing Street, London!!

I live at 16, Accacia Avenue, Brooklyn, New York. Well, no, not really. But it kind of like has the "My name's Bond....James Bond"-ish feel to it! And its any day better than saying - " I live at Old No. 23-C, New No. 42/A, Old Mutthusaamy Chettiar Street, New Annadurai Pandurangan Street, North-East Chromepet (West), Old Madras, New Chennai, Tamil Nadu - 600023". Which brings me to my point - places in India have flabbergastingly ridiculous names! We want to chimpanzee the West in almost everything. But no, not in the names of the streets, localities, towns, cities, districts, tehsils, states...we live in!! During the almost quarter of a century of my existance in the Milky Way, I have lived in own fair share of cities across India - North, South, East & West - and all of them are the same. Without Exception!

So here is my take / comments on the names of various places in various cities where I've lived.

Lets start with Salem - the place of my birth. And my current 'home'town. Its a small town located somewhere in the middle of nowhere in the Southern most state of the Indian Subcontinent. Surprisingly, for a city which has its own public bus transport system, it has very few 'places' as such. All the buses seem to ply between the same two places!! And the names of the places are as boring as a History professor who has done his PhD on the Socio-cultural Drinking Etiquettes of Neanderthal Man!! A place where four (seemingly important) roads intersect is called Four Roads. They also have Five Roads. Seven Roads. 11 Roads. 28 Roads. And 42 Roads!! A place where they have a State Bank of India branch is called - guess what- SBI Colony!! (This can actually be the question for Rs. 1 crore in KBC...)

Moving North (of Salem), we arrive at Chennai, where I spent 5 years of my life pursuing engineering (OK. Before you start getting ideas like doesn't Engineering get over in 4 years, let me tell you that even though I was Heisenberg like intelligent, I did both my Bachelors and Masters in 5 years!) Digressing back to the topic:

a) Tamb(a)ram - Well if the Tam Brams did want to name a place in Chennai after themselves, they could definitely have been much more subtle...Tambaram just reeks of copyright infringement!!

b) Washermanpet - Its almost as if some politician had promised to name a place in Chennai after the Dhobis in return for their votes!

c) Guindy - Comes from Gundi - comes from Gunda (the movie)!

Moving to the West now, we have Bomb? Ay(e)!! Oops...I mean Mumbai. Although the bombs didnt stop exploding in Mumbai after its rechristening, the name Mumbai too is ironic... (Mumbai - Mum bai (maid servant). And the maids in Mumbai are anything but mum! They are always jabbering away to glory). But Mumbai tops the list in terms of the wackiest and weirdest names of places!

1) Can't be mentioned in a public forum.

2) Andheri - now this is what you call a PR nightmare! How can you possibly name a place Andheri and expect people to come and live there?! And its one of the most populated places in Mumbai!!!

3) Kalyan. Aptly named. Northern suburb of Mumbai. Wahan tak aake Mumbai ka kalyan shuru ho jaata hai!

4) Diva. No divas here!

5) Chinchpokli.

And then we have Patna. My native place. If Laloo Prasad Yadav hadn't made the entire state as big a joke as he was, I am sure people would have atleast died laughing after hearing the names of the localities in the state capital.

i) Kadamkuan. Har kadam pe kuan (read pothole)!

ii) Nala Road. I have just one question. Why???????

iii) Kankadbagh. Stone Garden. Really?!

iv) Exhibition Road. What could you possibly exhibit in Patna without it being looted, ransacked, kidnapped, murdered...

Last but not the least, we have saddi Delhi. The Capital. The Rape Capital. And also the Vihar Capital. 'Delhi' the word is every poet's delight. It rhymes with such a lot of things. Belly. Smelly. Jelly. Helly...which results in enterprising producers making films entitled 'Delhi (Under)Belly' to try and further defame Chandani Chowk. Thankfully, they didnt try and rename it to Dilli, which would have been ironic!

I) Connaught Place (Pronounced as Cannot Place) - Cannot what? Eat? Drink? Smoke? Puke? Spit? Piss? Have sex? Run naked? I have personally seen all of those things happening there. I just wish that our ancestors had been more specific...
II) Paschim Vihar, Preet Vihar, Anand Vihar, Sangam Vihar, Pragati Vihar, Harsh Vihar, Udyog Vihar, Vasant Vihar...
III) Lado Sarai - I am sure that the sex ratio there is as skewed as it is in the most interior villages in Haryana and Punjab!!

And finally.

HOGWARTS - HOG WARTS - WART HOGS - WARTHOGS.
I am 1,00,00,00,00,001% sure that this was the inspiration behind the name of Harry Potter's Alma Mater. If only J.K. Rowling could have read my blog...